Thursday, August 29, 2013

Messed Up?

Not to long ago, I told my wife that I  believe I would have an easier time accepting my son as a gay man, as opposed to a Yankee fan.  Her response was to tell me that the comment I has just made was really messed up, which left me no choice to explain. 

If he's grows up to become a gay man, then that's who he was always meant to become.  If he grows up to become a Yankee fan, then there was a choice made somewhere along the line, and I can't respect my son if he makes that choice.

She called me an idiot and then left the room.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


The other day, my 2 year old son found 3 stuffed bears in the house and quickly took a liking to them.  As he was playing with them, he affectionately gave them the names Mommy, Daddy and Baby.

First he took the Mommy & Daddy bears, and had them kiss and hug.
Next he took the Mommy and Baby bears, he then had them kiss and hug as well.
Finally he took the Daddy and Baby bears, he had them kiss, and then he had them start fighting.  Complete with yelling, and rolling around on the floor.

I can't tell if this means that I'm a good father, or a bad one.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

My Son's New Talent

My son has just realized that he now has the ability to control his gas.  He is the master of his own farts, in command of his own stench.  And what he has chosen to do with his now found super power...  He farts on Daddy.  An act that my wife is finding to not only hilarious, but useful for her own evil purposes. 

Some backstory, my son and I have a tendency to roll around on the floor and roughhouse.  During these sessions, my wife stays on the sidelines and waits to see if someone gets hurt (which is usually me).  However recently I think I've caught her lying and waiting for an opening.  Cause once she sees it, she mutters those four little words that makes this child jump into action:  "Fart on Daddy's head!".  At which point my two year old will straddle my head and start tooting.  SHE HAS TURNED MY SON INTO A WEAPON!!!! 

I have been caught by this ambush 4 times, and I think I've started to see the pattern.  It always starts off the same way in that our dinner will conveniently includes beans and broccoli.  Then we move into the living room, and I'm encouraged to get on the floor with him.  After about 10 minutes a football will appear, we'll start wrestling, and once my back is on the floor, that's when he the call.  That's when the little shit will climb up, clench up, and let me have it. 

Last time this happened, I rolled over and threw him as soon as I felt him tense up.  He landed on the couch  laughing his ass off, so I don't think the message was received.  Next time, maybe I should do a reversal, and get a little pay back.  As for Mommy, the woman that issue the hit, I believe there is a "Dutch Oven" in her future.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Little Things...

It's truly the little things I ended up missing once I became a father.  These are a few things I believe every father eventually misses once they're gone:
  • Using the bathroom with the door open
  • Watching a television program in which no one sings
  • Eating a meal without having to get up 15 times to fetch something for the free loader in the highchair
  • Enjoying porn with the volume turned on
Thank goodness for days off and day care

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

What Happened?

The other day I found myself sitting on a bench in the mall, beside a semi-empty stroller.  I say semi empty, because there was a purse occupying in the spot that my son should have been in.  As I watched my wife carry him into a children's store, I caught a glimpse of myself and wondered...

What happened to my balls?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

I Wasn't Prepared For This

Ninety-five percent of the time, my two year old is just the sweetest kid.  He is truly the most sincere, affectionate person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  During that time, it is a real honor to say that he is my son.  But during that other five percent, he just happens to be the biggest dick I've ever had the displeasure of being stuck in a room with.

Now while I know that's a terrible thing to say about a child, it's really the only adjective I can use to describe that type of person.  During that 5%, he does things that makes me think, "If you were a grown man, I'd be hitting you in the face about now".  Case in point, we were watching TV when a diaper change became required.  When I suggested we walk away from this important program about singing fish, he got up screamed at me and pushed me in the chest with both hands.  I'm sorry, but where I come from, that person's a dick. 

I've had this child yell at me when he doesn't get his way.  DICK!  He's flailed is arms when getting pick up against his will, and hit his mother in the face.  DICK!!  He first response to his father telling his no, was to pick up a plastic golf club and  contemplate attack.  DICK!!!  (Fortunately in the last instance he was smart enough to put the club down immediately after picking it up)

I knew children went through the terrible two's, but I thought it was screaming in public or refusing to eat veggies.  But I wasn't prepared for these fits of rage.  I wasn't prepared to have a child that can go from "Love You" to "Fuck You" at the drop of a hat.  I know the good outweighs the bad by 50 fold, and that these tantrums will not last forever, but come on.  He smacks me in the face, and all I do is put him in a corner? 

I really wasn't prepared for this...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Two Things...

..that every man needs endure their partner's pregnancy:
  • High speed Internet connection
  • Decent anti-virus software
These items will also help a marriage endure.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Random Thought...

My son has started wearing my wife's shoes, and carrying around her purse.  In addition he now throws me out of the room for the good night rituals.  Am I witnessing the birth of an Oedipal complex?

Sunday, August 11, 2013

My Son Got Himself Stuck In A Hanger...

I don't know what to make of this.  I'm trying to figure out if this is just him being two, or if my son is just an idiot.  But my oh so adorable child, managed to get a hanger stuck around his waist for the 3rd time. 

I don't understand what goes through his head when he does this.  One would think, after the first time he would learn.  I can even see it happening a second time, before he thinks "Maybe, I shouldn't do that".  But not my boy, I stood there and watched him step into the hanger, bend down, and lift it up until it could not go up any further.

I then had to do my best to stifle my laughter as this poor child proclaimed "Stuck, Daddy, Stuck!".   It was quite the pitiful sight to see, but the smart ass in me couldn't waste this opportunity.  He stated again "Stuck, Daddy, Stuck!", to which I replied "I can see that".

The sight even got more pitiful, as he went on with "Help, Daddy, Help".  Which I dutifully said "No.  You got yourself in there, you get yourself out of it".  Then I could actually see the wheels turning in his head as he examined his predicament.  His solution, sit down and roll until it comes off, which even I wasn't a big enough ass to let him attempt.  So I told him to stand up, and walked him through "the process" of pushing a hanger down.

Now here's the interesting part.  I've seen this child have gems of ingenuity, that have genuinely impressed me.  I've watched him construct a ladder, to get a hold of food that was left out on the counter.  So what does it say when he gets stuck in a hanger? 

Guess time will tell if we're saving money for his college, or to put in a swimming pool


I've recently found myself in the very common situation of being in the father of a toddler, while expecting my second child.  While this is by no means unusual, I'm presently filled with thoughts, that I'm pretty sure my wife is sick of hearing.  So this has become my outlet.

Please understand, I make no claims of actually knowing how to be a father.  Nor do I make any claims about being a person filled with good thoughts.  All I can say is I love my family, and I'm doing the best I can.