Tuesday, December 17, 2013

F**k Christmas...

...and fuck the son of a bitch creator of Christmas lights too.

Now it goes without saying, that women have the most work during the holiday season.  I can't speak for anyone else, but in my house my wife buys the gifts, arranges the dinner, cooks the meal, etc.  She's pretty much a one woman yule tide tornado getting everything done weeks in advance. 

I'm not trying to diminish her contribution, but at the same time recognition must be pad to a shit job that Dad is expected to do.  The time consuming, back breaking holiday cheer that falls into the category of background scenery.  If we do our job right, it's immediately noticed and dismissed just as quickly.  If we do our job wrong, it is the focus on conversation and the bane of our existence.  I am of course speaking of the hanging of the lights.

Now I don't know when celebrating the birth of Christ, turned into dangling from a ladder and multiple trips to Home Depot, but apparently it is now necessary.  I have to decorate my home, and run up the electric bill so that the kids can get the true Christmas experience.  To that comment, I call bullshit.  My 2 year old gets exciting about the lights for about 5 minutes on the first day, and my newborn isn't making any memories, so I doubt he cares.  But whatever, I do what I can to make my wife happy.

I'm not sure if my experience can encapsulated what all fathers go through, but my "project" took about 7 hours over the coarse of two days. 

Step One: The unpacking of the lights -   Which as I untangled, noticed that what we had stored in the shed, can not be considered a fire hazard.  So into the trash they went, and I was off to the store with my son in tow.  Spent an unnecessary amount of money on new lights, and began....

Step Two: The hanging of the lights - Which proved to be the biggest bitch of the entire project, and required the used of both a 12 foot and 6 foot ladder.  And just to make matter worse, the majority of the Velcro hooks from the previous year were not longer viable.  The meant, another trip to the store. 
After another 45 minute detour, the tedious process of hanging these bitches started, and the we reached step three...

Step Three: Powering the lights - Which worked out great for me -  I strung the 8 strings of lights together, and plugged it into an extension cord, and boom.  All the lights were on and it was wonderful to see.  For about 5 minutes until all the lights went out.  The led to Step Four...

Step Four: Read the instructions on the lights after you hang them -  So apparently if you link 8 sets of lights together, that have fuses that can only support 3 stings, your lights will go out.  This I learned the hard way while performing...

Step Five: Fix what you did ASSHOLE! - This process involves the taking down on several sections, and reconfiguring the lights.   If  you're me, this would also mean another trip to Home Depot for another extension cord, stringing up a set of lights backwards, and screaming to your neighbors how much you hate Christmas.  But when all if said in done, there's only one thing left to do...

Step Six: Admire your work - At least until you come home the next morning, and see a set of lights swinging from the roof because the Velcro gave...

After all that, what Dad wouldn't want to say FUCK CHRISTMAS!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment