Advice

With the birth of my second child right around the corner, I am reminded about all advice I received before the birth of my first son.  All of the unsolicited, generic advice that came from all those who were supposedly wiser than I in parenting.  All of those moronic acquaintances who spat out such pearls as:

• Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps, or
• Remember to do all you can to make your wife comfortable.

After the birth of my son, I realized that not one person gave me any form of practical advice that I could have found useful.  For example, no one stressed the importance of pecker position when you're diapering a boy.  If you unfamiliar with my meaning, then you probably have daughters so I'll explain.

The most absorbent part of a diaper is down into the padding.  The least absorbent is on the sides, where the flaps come over so the Velcro can join.  So when you are diapering a boy, where his manhood is pointing becomes a consideration.  During the first week of holding my infant son, no less that 9 shirts had little circular stains, along with his bassinet, and our coach.  I think the worst moment came, when I left him pointing upwards and he woke up crying because a geyser was escaping from the top of his diaper.

This would have been useful information for a first time father, so now I make it a point to tell every new dad I meet this little gem.  As for those wise men and women who failed to convey this information to me, I found all the ones who had sons, and I passed along my new knowledge along with a hand gesture to convey my appreciation for their advice.